My #1 tip for becoming a better negotiator...
...and the one place you should ALWAYS negotiate.
Hello, friends!
After two hectic months of traveling to all the places to do all the things, I’m looking forward to more time spent at home this summer…sitting on my porch, enjoying my new keg of rosé (see below), and typing up lots of thoughts to send your way.
I hope that you, too, are gearing up for a summer that is your perfect ratio of relaxation and productivity, with your drink of choice on tap.
Where it all began…
Although I cover a wide range of behavioral science topics, my work on negotiation and influence is what initially inspired me to write and speak for women.
Even now, twenty years into being a professor, not a week goes by that I don’t get a message or call from a woman asking for coaching on an upcoming negotiation.
Lately, I’ve heard myself repeating the same advice over and over - which is always my clue that you might benefit from hearing this advice, too.
If a picture is worth a thousand words, here it is:
There’s a lot of negotiation behind this selfie, and it’s the direct result of my most important, and frequently offered, negotiation advice:
Negotiate the small stuff.
What do I mean by “the small stuff?”
Ask the valet to leave your car right in front of the restaurant.
Ask your hairstylist to come in early or stay late to squeeze you in, because you can’t stand looking at your roots for one more day.
Ask the babysitter to chop some vegetables to make your after-work dinner prep easier.
It’s easy for people, especially women, to talk themselves out of making these asks. We don’t want to put others out, or risk them disliking us. And, the thing in question isn’t that big of a deal - we can survive without, so we often do.
But when we do this, it means that the only negotiations we do engage in are the BIG ones. The ones where real stakes are on the line and getting what we want REALLY matters - like negotiating raises and promotions. And then we’re terrified.
This is the moment many women call me, hyperventilating.
I talk them through it, and they always survive. But they are more stressed than they should be because they treat negotiations as a once a year event, rather than what they should become - a daily, or even hourly, occurrence.
Negotiating the small stuff builds your skills and your confidence. Not only will you get a lot of things along the way that will improve your quality of life (e.g., parking spaces, good hair, and easy dinners), you’ll be much more at ease when the big negotiations come along.
And there’s no better place to negotiate the small stuff than the airport.
You should never go to an airport (or hotel) without negotiating something.
I say this for three reasons:
1. Something always goes wrong.
This means there is always an opportunity to negotiate for something that will improve your situation.
The picture above was the result of a cancelled 6am flight from Chicago to New York.
I had to negotiate my way on to the oversold 7am flight. I had to give up my first class seat, but was also able to negotiate for an exit row in coach.
I had to make this ask of two or three different agents until I found one that said yes. That’s another benefit of negotiating at the airport - if you fail with one person, there is almost always another person you can ask. With each agent, I employed the “smile, be nice, and look pitiful” strategy, since I didn’t have much leverage or anything I could offer in exchange. It eventually worked.
I went to my new gate, still a little salty about losing my first class seat - until I spied Mariam.
Mariam is one of the people I love most in the world. We have known each other since 1998 when she was a freshman at Dartmouth and I was her dorm RA. We then became sorority sisters (Delta, Delta, Delta, can I help ya, help ya, help ya? #iykyk) and then, many years later, parents in the same school that all six of our combined kids attend.
Like many moms with insane schedules, we don’t see each other enough. So I was overjoyed when I arrived at my airplane gate and saw her waiting to board. We knew instantly that we couldn’t waste this serendipity. Thus began my second negotiation of the morning - switching seats so Mariam and I could sit together on the flight…
2. You’ll never see these people again.
As an experienced traveler, I knew there was no point asking the gate agent of an oversold flight if we could switch seats. It was going to be much easier to do it ourselves, asking our seat neighbors if one of them would trade with us.
Although she desperately wanted us to sit together, Mariam was mortified at my suggestion. Not to worry, I assured her, I do this all the time. I once brokered a five-way seat trade on a return flight from Orlando so that I could sit with my young kids, and did it with such authority that at the end of the flight one of the passengers told me that he assumed I was a flight attendant - until I took my seat.
One of the things that makes negotiations challenging, particularly for women, is the concern that pushing for what you want today will damage the future relationship. But at the airport, there is no future relationship. Jackpot.
Succeed or fail, you will never see any of these people again unless you want to. So one of our biggest negotiation fears has been eliminated. This makes it the perfect place to refine our skills. There is truly nothing to lose.
3. It’s a diverse crowd.
As you can tell from the picture, Mariam and I did get to sit together, but it was much harder than I initially anticipated.
I assured her that a seat trade was a no-brainer because I had a valuable item to offer - an aisle seat in the exit row. Any person in a standard middle seat would jump at my trade…or so I thought.
Ultimately, I had to ask five or six people before I brokered a deal (that involved moving two people, all while Mariam looked on, horrified).
Mariam was near the front of the plane and the woman next to her declined to move because she had a tight connection and wanted to deplane quickly (understandable).
Then I asked another woman who declined (after thinking it over) because she didn’t “want the responsibility” of sitting in the exit row. I debated telling her that if anything went wrong on the plane, it wouldn’t matter one bit who was sitting in that seat - but decided to keep that opinion to myself.
Eventually I found some sympathetic passengers (who likely also realized I wasn’t going to stop asking til I got a yes), and the trade was made.
But the initial resistance I received served as a good reminder of another important truth about negotiation:
What you have to offer is only as valuable as the other person thinks it is.
I overestimated how much others would value my exit row seat because I valued it. And because I am typically surrounded by lots of people like me, who all travel frequently and love the exit row, I was overconfident.
The airport brings together lots of different types of people, which is another reason it’s a great place to negotiate. It challenges your assumptions and forces you to learn about what your audience values - which may be very different than what you value.
And that makes you a better negotiator.
So the next time you find yourself thinking, “Wouldn’t it be nice if…,” don’t keep that thought to yourself.
Ask for what you want!
The smaller the ask, the better.
Not only does this build your negotiation muscle for the bigger negotiations, but the small asks add up to a lot of value over time.
Before you know it you’ll have your feet propped up on the patio, toasting your success with a glass of rosé!
Exciting offers for my besties!
As a thank you for your support and all-around awesomeness - and for reading this far - I have a few subscriber-only offerings and giveaways that you don’t want to miss.
1. Exclusive book & water bottle bundle
I’ve been getting a lot of social media requests from people who want to purchase my water bottle (PSA: drink more water), so I’ve decided to offer a custom bottle and book bundle (while bottle supplies last).
Want one for you or a likeable badass in your life?
Just fill out this form and a member of Team Likeable Badass will get back to you asap to make it happen!
The fine print:
This is sold as a bundle. You can buy as many bundles as you want, but water bottles and books come as a package. If you’ve already pre-ordered one or more books, you are the best! If you buy this bundle, you now have an extra copy to gift and you can keep the water bottle for yourself!
You need to pay me directly. I’m passing the items along at my cost ($78 plus bottle shipping), but I do need to source things from multiple places and paying me is the only simple way to make it happen. You’ll just have to trust that writing this book was not part of my elaborate plot to run off with your money.
US shipping addresses only. If you live elsewhere, email us at likeablebadass@alisonfragale.com before placing an order.
2. Book galley giveaway
The book galleys arrived - these are uncorrected, printed proofs of the book that are typically reserved for media inquiries. There aren’t many in existence, but I will be giving away galleys to:
Two soon-to-be-selected subscribers (it could be you, so check your email in the next week)!
My 2000th subscriber, Lauren!
And just for fun, here’s the video of the unboxing (at 11pm when I arrived home from a speaking event). I hope you enjoy the flex at the end (to my 9-year old daughter who is off-camera).
3. Ten meetings with me
If you’ve been with me from the beginning you may remember that I when I hit 1000 subscribers I promised to select ten (10) to receive a 30-minute video chat to talk about anything and everything with me- a work or life challenge, an upcoming negotiation, the best Golden Girls episode, etc.
I had so much fun meeting new people and reconnecting with old friends that I offered to do it again when we hit 2000 subscribers.
Well, we have, and I am.
We use a very official randomization process to select winners - a toddler pointing at a list of emails. Those selected will be notified via email in the next week, so check your inbox!
Thanks, as always, for being here. If you want others to join the party, they are always welcome.
Cheers to success, friends!
I loved this and will definitely try the airport negotiations as you are right, what's there to loose? Thanks, Alison.
I loved this post! Such a great reminder that negotiations aren't only the big things, but also what toppings go on the pizza, what we are watching on Netflix tonight, and what bottle of wine to order! Thanks for sharing!