Here's Why Women Don't Always Support Women
And how we can change that.
The picture that broke the internet yesterday gave me all the feels, because:
A) An all-Black podium in gymnastics is all-around awesome.
B) It gave me a chance to scare and confuse my kids with my Wayne’s World “We’re not worthy!” re-enactment (tell me you peaked in the 90s without telling me you peaked in the 90s)
C) I was all teed up to write about the science of how we get women to be more supportive of other women, and this podium bow is a perfect case-in-point.
First, I Would LOVE Your Help
My book, Likeable Badass: How Women Get the Success They Deserve, launches in less than a month - on September 3, the day after Labor Day.
Yes, this means we’re closer to the end of summer than the beginning…sigh…but for me that’s good news this year (Launching a book in September = failing at summer).
I’m so excited to get this book in your hands and the hands of rockstar women everywhere. In a nutshell, Likeable Badass is about the science of status—how much others respect and value us. I break down why women lack status relative to men and, more importantly, what we can do about it (spoiler alert: A lot!!).
If you’re even 8% excited about this as I am, there are three ways you could help me—that I hope help you, too!
1. Sign up to be an early reviewer on Amazon.
Long story short, Amazon reviews are queen—they are critical to helping people find the book and get them excited about reading it. But no one ever wants to be the first to leave a review—which is where you come in.
For the first 200 subscribers who volunteer to post an Amazon review the week of September 3 (launch week), I’ll share a free early digital copy of the book so you can start reading asap.
You don’t need to purchase the book on Amazon (or at all) to leave a review, but you do need to be an Amazon customer (defined, I think, as someone who has spent $50 on Amazon in the past year—a threshold that I seem to hit daily).
Want in? Click this link to sign up!
2. Preorder a copy of the book—and get swag!
The nonfiction books I love are a) based on evidence, and b) ultra practical. They are books that give me easy-to-implement tools to live my best life. I wrote this book to give you the same. If you like my voice on stage or in this newsletter, I think you will get a lot from it.
I’m very honored to have received book endorsements from Kim Scott, Adam Grant, Sheryl Sandberg, Dan Pink, Katty Kay, Cal Newport, Dolly Chugh, Amy Gallo, Ai-jen Poo, and Annie Duke. You can read their kind words here.
Even more gratifying is hearing from early readers like you about how much they have benefitted from the book.
“I stayed up all night reading the entire book. I felt so seen and understood. Likeable Badass made me proud of what I already do and inspired me to take actions to hone my art going forward.”—KH
If you’re interested, ordering now, before launch, is tremendously beneficial to me. I’ll spare you the details, but trust me on this one: Buying the book in August is 10x more helpful than buying it in October because it expands the early reach and impact.
And, as a gesture of thanks, I have some presale gifts for those who order before launch!
To place an order of 1-9 books and collect your gifts, click here:
[Note: If you want 10+ books, contact me directly at likeablebadass@alisonfragale.com and I will hook you up (i.e., more swag and resources).]
3. Recommend the book to one likeable badass in your life.
Share this newsletter with a friend, tell the person next to you on the train or in line at the coffee shop, or post about your excitement on social.
My main objective in writing the book was to get it in the hands of people who don’t know me, but would benefit from these tools.
I already know all the people I know, but I don’t know all of the people you know. I’d love to meet them, though. Invite them to our party!! It would mean the world to me.
Now Back to Simone and Jordan…and How Status Fits In
I recently took a meeting with a woman who wanted to talk about how to overcome challenges she was having with “competitive female co-workers.” She felt that the women were deliberately making things difficult—talking behind her back, holding back info, jockeying for credit. etc. “I’m not trying to outdo them, I just want to get the work done,” she lamented. “How can I get them to stop treating me as the enemy?”
“I have an idea that will help,” I told her, “but you’re not going to like it.”
Respect the hell out of them.
A lot has been said and written about the fact that women don’t support other women as often as men support other men.
That’s true. But why?
Because of status (yes, that thing I study and wrote a book about).
One of my favorite status papers of all time was written by my former graduate school colleague Nate Fast and his co-author Serena Chen.
The title says it all: “When the Boss Feels Inadequate”
“Aggression among the powerful is often the result of a threatened ego.”
—Fast & Chen
In short, when people in power are insecure about whether they’re seen as competent (i.e., insecure about their status), they are more likely to act aggressively toward others.
And guess what, women are often insecure about their competence—for good reason! They’ve long been given implicit and explicit messages that they’re not enough, been underpaid and underpromoted, excluded from the golf games and the information flow, and marginalized in a thousand different ways. Even if a woman knows she’s damn good at what she does, she lives in constant fear that her competence will be questioned (by someone half as competent, no doubt).
We can’t leave women to starve, throw them a morsel of food, then be surprised when they don’t share.
Which brings me back to my solution: Respect the hell out of them.
All behavior, good and bad, is reciprocated.
When someone treats us poorly, our instinct is to treat them poorly in return. But if the instigator is insecure about how people see them, you treating them poorly only reinforces their initial belief that everyone is “out to get them.” And then the cycle escalates.
True, the reason they feel insecure in the first place has nothing to do with you. That damage may have been done while you were still in diapers. But the nonconscious brain doesn’t make that distinction.
The most effective way to change the behavior of an insecure powerholder is to make them feel secure. And you, the person who’s working with them now, is in the best position to do that.
To make people feel secure in their status, show them that you respect their value:
Thank them
Praise them
Compliment them
Help them
Ask them to help you
Don’t do anything inauthentic, but even the most despised person does something good. Focus on drawing attention to that. That’s how we break the cycle.
Well-fed people are happy to share their food. They know there’s enough to go around.
This was my first thought when I saw Simone and Jordan bow—women who feel valued and respected are gracious. They are able to celebrate another’s achievement without worrying about how it makes them look, because they are confident they already look good.
Building a world where women support women is not somebody else’s problem. It starts with each of us. The better you make someone feel about themselves, the better they will treat you in turn.
In the wise words of cosmetics queen Mary Kay Ash, act like every person you meet has a sign around their neck saying “make me feel important.”
Is that hard advice to follow when they’ve already treated you poorly? No doubt. But it’s still the right move.
My Latest…
When I’m not dropping off kids at camp, picking up kids from camp, taking calls from sick kids at camp, and doing laundry from camp, I’ve been recording lots and lots of podcasts with a wide range of amazing hosts. Those will all drop in the next month or so and I’ll let you know when they do!
I’ve been scheduling fall speaking events for Likeable Badass, both in-person and virtually. If you want to bring a talk to your group or organization, reach out here.
I am headed to Lake Tahoe for annual family camp with my family—a 13-year tradition still going strong. I look forward to it every year, but this year even more so!! And, since I’ve developed an immunity to Botox (yes, it’s a real thing and I don’t recommend it), I’m relying on mountain air to make me look 25 again. Keep an eye out for the before and after pics!
Cheers to success, friends!
xo
Thank you for highlighting the importance of building a world where women feel valued.❤️